My bank decided to shut down all means of access to my account recently. They didn't bother to advise me on this fact. I guess they figured I'd get the message the next time I tried to access the account - which I did at a pretty inconvenient time. This is what I get for breaking my no Interac policy. Someone I know also got a card shut down on the same day after shopping at the same place I did at the same time. Lucky me, I'm not the one who got $500 stolen due to a compromised card!
Anyway, a thought that has been rolling around in the back of my mind has come to the foreground. It is all about that dreaded M-word. You know - the thing people strive to have when they're young and then spend the rest of their lives trying to get out of. That thing on which you get to spend your whole paycheque. You know - the means to get what you really wanted, and then end up spending all your time doing repairs and damage control.
You thought I was talking about marriage didn't you?
I'm talking about that other dreaded word. Mortgage...
There are so many factors to consider that by the time I finally make a decision, I won't need to borrow anyway. One of the big ones is mobility. What if I need to go to another city or country? Am I going to have a job in six months? And then there's the fact that a house is probably too big for me to take care of on my own, and besides a reasonably sized condo being too expensive, I'm not totally sold of the whole condo concept anyway.
But rent is very expensive and at the end of the day, I have naught to show for it but another day lived under a roof.
What to do, what to do...?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Impressions on EE
The other week, my Evangelism Explosion trainer was asking me who had told me to join the course. "Uhhhh... God did." That or I have a sick fixation with pain. Before January, I didn't know anything about the course other than the fact that it existed and had something to do with evangelism (and thing that explode). One night, I was sitting in church early minding my own business- let that be a lesson to you. Never mind your own business. And never come to church early; for one, you might have to actually talk to people or two, have God tell you to do something you don't want to do*. The latter is what happened on this occasion. OK God, if this is the path You want me to take, I'll give it a chance and see if You confirm it.
I started the year off thinking that this winter would be pretty uneventful. Compared with the crazy fall season anyway. I made myself available and my life filled up pretty quickly. In fact, by last Wednesday I estimated that I was three days away from a total burnout. Fortunately, before those three days ended, I got some rest. I know the question may beg itself, if I'm so busy, why am I up this late writing all this?
Two reasons. First, if I don't take the time to mull over everything that's gone on I won't learn anything from it. And writing my thoughts down helps me sort them out. Maybe I'm prone to over think things, but if I don't take some time, I'll have difficulty sleeping. That's the second reason; if I leave uncompressed thoughts piling up in the back of my mind for too long, I will feel anxious as though something is lurking always beyond the edge of my vision.
EE has been a lot of work thus far. And that doesn't even begin to outline the shape of it. All I can say is that it's a good thing I didn't know this ahead of time, for I might have resisted the idea a bit more. Basically, you're looking at a 30 to 40 minute presentation that has to be completely memorized and made your own, plus reading assignments and homework. All I can say is it's a good thing that I have a pretty decent memory...
EE contains a practical component which means actually going into the community and sharing the gospel with people. We go out in groups of three, mixed gender. The idea is to have a trainer, an assistant-trainer learning to be a trainer, and a trainee. Supposedly, the trainee (that's me) is supposed to mainly sit there and listen for the first eight weeks or so. Supposedly - which is to say, that is what they told me and that is what other trainees are experiencing.
My trainer runs things a little bit differently. Right from week one, she would throw the presentation to me and see how far I'd go. This past week was the fourth week out, and she got me to talk for more than half the presentation - none of which I'd been required to prepare for according to the course outline. One of my classmates was telling me she'd only said two phrases the same evening. In any case, it all turned out well - it seems God really can take my nothing and make it something. This week, we presented the gospel to someone and I was able to witness a profession of faith! We were there so late and the drive back was so long, the church was locked up by the time we got back. And I really had to go to the washroom. I felt like Forrest Gump when he met the president:
President Kennedy: Congratulations. How do you feel?
Forrest: I gotta pee.
President Kennedy: I believe he said he had to go pee.
In any case, my trainer is great and she is really good at setting up appointments with people she knows. But it didn't take me long to realize that we are complete opposites in personality. Sometimes I don't know how to take her. She keeps telling me that people at church call her a fanatic. I'm given to ask myself if that's what I'm training to be**.
Anyway, my impressions of the course thus far are pretty mixed. I never want to become one of the people who sit there and obliquely judge everyone else for not being in the course. Also, while my trainer gives me a pretty loose reign to express myself in my own way, the course is pretty rigid. Sometimes I don't entirely agree with the approach they teach and last week I took a concern to the teacher. He told me that he also would do as I said, but that the textbook says otherwise. The structure always helps me to keep in mind that this course is a tool, not an end. I now have words when before I didn't have a ready explanation for the hope I have. God has given me a new sense of urgency through the program, and a new awareness of people in my life He is calling you to witness to.
*I'm being facetious here, I promise!
**Assuming I'm not a fanatic already.
I started the year off thinking that this winter would be pretty uneventful. Compared with the crazy fall season anyway. I made myself available and my life filled up pretty quickly. In fact, by last Wednesday I estimated that I was three days away from a total burnout. Fortunately, before those three days ended, I got some rest. I know the question may beg itself, if I'm so busy, why am I up this late writing all this?
Two reasons. First, if I don't take the time to mull over everything that's gone on I won't learn anything from it. And writing my thoughts down helps me sort them out. Maybe I'm prone to over think things, but if I don't take some time, I'll have difficulty sleeping. That's the second reason; if I leave uncompressed thoughts piling up in the back of my mind for too long, I will feel anxious as though something is lurking always beyond the edge of my vision.
EE has been a lot of work thus far. And that doesn't even begin to outline the shape of it. All I can say is that it's a good thing I didn't know this ahead of time, for I might have resisted the idea a bit more. Basically, you're looking at a 30 to 40 minute presentation that has to be completely memorized and made your own, plus reading assignments and homework. All I can say is it's a good thing that I have a pretty decent memory...
EE contains a practical component which means actually going into the community and sharing the gospel with people. We go out in groups of three, mixed gender. The idea is to have a trainer, an assistant-trainer learning to be a trainer, and a trainee. Supposedly, the trainee (that's me) is supposed to mainly sit there and listen for the first eight weeks or so. Supposedly - which is to say, that is what they told me and that is what other trainees are experiencing.
My trainer runs things a little bit differently. Right from week one, she would throw the presentation to me and see how far I'd go. This past week was the fourth week out, and she got me to talk for more than half the presentation - none of which I'd been required to prepare for according to the course outline. One of my classmates was telling me she'd only said two phrases the same evening. In any case, it all turned out well - it seems God really can take my nothing and make it something. This week, we presented the gospel to someone and I was able to witness a profession of faith! We were there so late and the drive back was so long, the church was locked up by the time we got back. And I really had to go to the washroom. I felt like Forrest Gump when he met the president:
President Kennedy: Congratulations. How do you feel?
Forrest: I gotta pee.
President Kennedy: I believe he said he had to go pee.
In any case, my trainer is great and she is really good at setting up appointments with people she knows. But it didn't take me long to realize that we are complete opposites in personality. Sometimes I don't know how to take her. She keeps telling me that people at church call her a fanatic. I'm given to ask myself if that's what I'm training to be**.
Anyway, my impressions of the course thus far are pretty mixed. I never want to become one of the people who sit there and obliquely judge everyone else for not being in the course. Also, while my trainer gives me a pretty loose reign to express myself in my own way, the course is pretty rigid. Sometimes I don't entirely agree with the approach they teach and last week I took a concern to the teacher. He told me that he also would do as I said, but that the textbook says otherwise. The structure always helps me to keep in mind that this course is a tool, not an end. I now have words when before I didn't have a ready explanation for the hope I have. God has given me a new sense of urgency through the program, and a new awareness of people in my life He is calling you to witness to.
*I'm being facetious here, I promise!
**Assuming I'm not a fanatic already.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Late night incoherencies
Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes
We talked about soccer and how every man's just the same
And made speculation on the 'who's and the 'when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely but still we just couldn't complain
...
But you know I know better I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
'Cause if the birds and the flowers survive then I'll make it okay
If given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day
-Caedmon's Call
I arrived late at work this morning. At 9am. Last night, I was feeling excited and enthusiastic about my day and ended up talking on the phone with a friend past one in the morning. And then having some dinner.
The conversation touched upon all the uncertainties that seem to involve interpreting the opposite gender. Lately, I've been realizing that I'm not a very good authority to explain men in general to a woman. I can make a guess at what's going through a guy's head based upon what would be going through mine. But in some ways, I'm not exactly a good example of your standard guy. I mean, what kind of normal guy would come out with absurd statements like the following...
Never in the past seven years have I cared less than I do now that I'm single. Lately, I feel God has been drawing me out of my comfort areas in so many ways. Am I being cultivated and grown into something new more than ever? Suppose I were to attach myself to another person. First of all, if my spiritual life is indeed in a state of flux right now, someone who is spiritually compatible with me would probably not be so much longer. Should I not be what God would have me be before distracting myself with a partner? Also , my priorities would be split. Doors would close - I would no longer be able to just pick up and go where He leads. It would have to be a joint decision and there are some things that only a single person can accomplish.
But then there are other things that require a partner. And who can really say that they are done growing?
I suppose the real reason I'm alright with this situation is because I know God has called me for a purpose. If that requires a partner, I'll know it when He provides the right one. If it requires autonomy from another person... Well, the place God would have me be is the most rewarding place to be.
How many times have I heard it said, 'if God has placed the desire in your heart, He will make it come to pass'? How comforting. But I have to say, I don't much like that statement for one reason. It's a bit misleading, as it tends to imply that the desire of your heart is from God. To me, it does not sound at all like a God-centred line of thinking but a self-centred one.
Someone once told me she had a friend who had been very anxious that she was not married. She told me that it wasn't until this girl stopped looking that she found a man.
But maybe I can manipulate that into some better advice. Seek first His Kingdom. Then pay attention to His council; do not let His words fall to the ground.
We talked about soccer and how every man's just the same
And made speculation on the 'who's and the 'when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely but still we just couldn't complain
...
But you know I know better I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
'Cause if the birds and the flowers survive then I'll make it okay
If given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day
-Caedmon's Call
I arrived late at work this morning. At 9am. Last night, I was feeling excited and enthusiastic about my day and ended up talking on the phone with a friend past one in the morning. And then having some dinner.
The conversation touched upon all the uncertainties that seem to involve interpreting the opposite gender. Lately, I've been realizing that I'm not a very good authority to explain men in general to a woman. I can make a guess at what's going through a guy's head based upon what would be going through mine. But in some ways, I'm not exactly a good example of your standard guy. I mean, what kind of normal guy would come out with absurd statements like the following...
Never in the past seven years have I cared less than I do now that I'm single. Lately, I feel God has been drawing me out of my comfort areas in so many ways. Am I being cultivated and grown into something new more than ever? Suppose I were to attach myself to another person. First of all, if my spiritual life is indeed in a state of flux right now, someone who is spiritually compatible with me would probably not be so much longer. Should I not be what God would have me be before distracting myself with a partner? Also , my priorities would be split. Doors would close - I would no longer be able to just pick up and go where He leads. It would have to be a joint decision and there are some things that only a single person can accomplish.
But then there are other things that require a partner. And who can really say that they are done growing?
I suppose the real reason I'm alright with this situation is because I know God has called me for a purpose. If that requires a partner, I'll know it when He provides the right one. If it requires autonomy from another person... Well, the place God would have me be is the most rewarding place to be.
How many times have I heard it said, 'if God has placed the desire in your heart, He will make it come to pass'? How comforting. But I have to say, I don't much like that statement for one reason. It's a bit misleading, as it tends to imply that the desire of your heart is from God. To me, it does not sound at all like a God-centred line of thinking but a self-centred one.
Someone once told me she had a friend who had been very anxious that she was not married. She told me that it wasn't until this girl stopped looking that she found a man.
But maybe I can manipulate that into some better advice. Seek first His Kingdom. Then pay attention to His council; do not let His words fall to the ground.
Friday, February 16, 2007
No Words
I cannot express myself today. I can open my mouth to speak about what God is doing in my life, but words don't come. Probably because I haven't a clue what He is doing. But I do know,
In all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Any words that come to mind are not large enough to describe His presence. How shall I express His greatness?
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptable with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12:28-29
My words fall like drops of rain.
My lips are like clouds.
I've said so many things, trying to figure you out.
As mercy opens my eyes, my words are stolen away.
With this breathtaking view of your grace.
-Steven Curtis Chapman
In all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Any words that come to mind are not large enough to describe His presence. How shall I express His greatness?
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptable with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12:28-29
My words fall like drops of rain.
My lips are like clouds.
I've said so many things, trying to figure you out.
As mercy opens my eyes, my words are stolen away.
With this breathtaking view of your grace.
-Steven Curtis Chapman
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Intimacy
Know God through experience; experience God through obedience; obey God through the Spirit. You know my path; You know my beginning and end. Without You, I don't even know my next step.
How vividly it is illustrated for me the truth of experiencing God through obedience. When you take the step He directs without yourself knowing where it's leading, pay attention. Expect something amazing. Expect something unexpected. Do you hear His voice? Will you let His words fall to the ground?
I'm listening. Let it be so.
How vividly it is illustrated for me the truth of experiencing God through obedience. When you take the step He directs without yourself knowing where it's leading, pay attention. Expect something amazing. Expect something unexpected. Do you hear His voice? Will you let His words fall to the ground?
I'm listening. Let it be so.
Monday, February 12, 2007
V-Day
Last week as I drove home listening to the radio, I was confronted with a startling fact:
DJ: And the countdown to Valentine's Day has begun...
Rue: What?!?
>Remembers that it's February<
Rue: Oh yeah...
>Remembers that he doesn't care<
Rue: Ok, whatever.
>Turns on the CD player<
So before I forget, happy Wednesday!
My coworker asked me quite seriously today if I would go buy some roses for him to give to his girlfriend. Do I look like a person who knows anything about buying roses? For that matter, do I look like a person who goes out and buys flowers for another guy's girlfriend who, despite never having met me, seems to dislike me.
Well, I'll give you the money for it of course; I'll even give you a good premium!
Well, that makes it all good then. But I guess it's like they say - it's the thought that counts... ... ... ???
DJ: And the countdown to Valentine's Day has begun...
Rue: What?!?
>Remembers that it's February<
Rue: Oh yeah...
>Remembers that he doesn't care<
Rue: Ok, whatever.
>Turns on the CD player<
So before I forget, happy Wednesday!
My coworker asked me quite seriously today if I would go buy some roses for him to give to his girlfriend. Do I look like a person who knows anything about buying roses? For that matter, do I look like a person who goes out and buys flowers for another guy's girlfriend who, despite never having met me, seems to dislike me.
Well, I'll give you the money for it of course; I'll even give you a good premium!
Well, that makes it all good then. But I guess it's like they say - it's the thought that counts... ... ... ???
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Thanks in advance
From time to time, Jared will say something that has a totally different and quite often rude meaning to me. One of the more tame examples is when he is praying, he often says to God, "Thanks in advance for everything You will do here tonight..." I suppose with God, it's safe to thank Him in advance for things He has promised to do, for He will surely do them.
But for some reason, when I hear that phrase, I think of it as an insincere manner of trying to coerce someone into doing something. Like a letter in the post, "...Thanks in advance for your donation of $200 in support of Loggers Against the Mistreatment of Elms (LAME)..." Maybe i feel that way about the phrase because of this video.
That phrase makes me think about how I feel trapped by so many things. I feel trapped by people's expectations of me. Trapped by their ideas of who I am and who I ought to be and do. Trapped in the middle of so many disputes. Sometime people can be pretty tough to handle. If I were to make a list of the top things that have stressed me out over the past year, very few would be situational. Things like not knowing if I'll have work in a few months, or upcoming bills and taxes, or being busier than I have a right to be wouldn't rank too highly. If I made a list of things that cause my hair to turn gray, I'd have to say they'd be primarily relational. I'm stressed out from the grievances over anything and everything people want to vent at me. Stressed out by all the undercurrents passing around all the people I know. I'm tired of trying to be a mediator. And super exhausted trying to decrypt what the block people mean when I'm sure they're trying to say something important in a vague or misleading manner.
As I mentioned before, I have a bit of a problem with people being willfully misleading. I know I say this as a person who has been labelled a frustratingly subtle person. So go ahead and say, "quoth the Mr. Pot to Mr. Kettle." But I've been burned by manipulative people before and I'm loath to suffer them any longer. If you want a glass of water, there are easy ways to ask; don't send me to the desert and expect me to figure out that means you're thirsty, and then become upset when I don't bring any back. If you want bread, don't let me know by telling me you want rice and that you don't really care for bread. I'm not a mind-reader and I have no desire to become one!
But that doesn't mean I think everyone should just come out and say everything. Some things are best left unsaid. For instance, I hear a lot of the politics going on at work and while knowing about the currents and undercurrents, or tides and rip tides help me not to put my foot in it, it certainly doesn't make me feel great hearing about them. Even today, I was reporting to my supervisor when someone interrupted to verbally rip one of our many bosses up one side and down the other. Should I put a stop to the tirade and make them even more angry? My heart sinks when I know someone approaches me with that look that means they have some troubling gossip and they're not leaving until I've heard it. Why? Because people seem to like to vent at me. Maybe I just have that kind of face. Maybe I emanate an aura of caring. Maybe they see me as trustworthy wall against which to bounce.
But the problem is, I've always hated it when people are hostile towards each other. At some point during my life. after having realized that I couldn't avoid being around such situations, I became predisposed to mediate between friends. But the problem is, in most cases, by the time you realize mediation is necessary, it's already gotten too emotional - in which case people just want to be mad at each other. I've found that the correct application of humour can sometimes dissolve a confrontation. That or turn the acrimony of both parties upon yourself. Sometimes I think that's still a better alternative than listening to people nattering at each other...
Would it be alright if I moved to Alaska?
But for some reason, when I hear that phrase, I think of it as an insincere manner of trying to coerce someone into doing something. Like a letter in the post, "...Thanks in advance for your donation of $200 in support of Loggers Against the Mistreatment of Elms (LAME)..." Maybe i feel that way about the phrase because of this video.
That phrase makes me think about how I feel trapped by so many things. I feel trapped by people's expectations of me. Trapped by their ideas of who I am and who I ought to be and do. Trapped in the middle of so many disputes. Sometime people can be pretty tough to handle. If I were to make a list of the top things that have stressed me out over the past year, very few would be situational. Things like not knowing if I'll have work in a few months, or upcoming bills and taxes, or being busier than I have a right to be wouldn't rank too highly. If I made a list of things that cause my hair to turn gray, I'd have to say they'd be primarily relational. I'm stressed out from the grievances over anything and everything people want to vent at me. Stressed out by all the undercurrents passing around all the people I know. I'm tired of trying to be a mediator. And super exhausted trying to decrypt what the block people mean when I'm sure they're trying to say something important in a vague or misleading manner.
As I mentioned before, I have a bit of a problem with people being willfully misleading. I know I say this as a person who has been labelled a frustratingly subtle person. So go ahead and say, "quoth the Mr. Pot to Mr. Kettle." But I've been burned by manipulative people before and I'm loath to suffer them any longer. If you want a glass of water, there are easy ways to ask; don't send me to the desert and expect me to figure out that means you're thirsty, and then become upset when I don't bring any back. If you want bread, don't let me know by telling me you want rice and that you don't really care for bread. I'm not a mind-reader and I have no desire to become one!
But that doesn't mean I think everyone should just come out and say everything. Some things are best left unsaid. For instance, I hear a lot of the politics going on at work and while knowing about the currents and undercurrents, or tides and rip tides help me not to put my foot in it, it certainly doesn't make me feel great hearing about them. Even today, I was reporting to my supervisor when someone interrupted to verbally rip one of our many bosses up one side and down the other. Should I put a stop to the tirade and make them even more angry? My heart sinks when I know someone approaches me with that look that means they have some troubling gossip and they're not leaving until I've heard it. Why? Because people seem to like to vent at me. Maybe I just have that kind of face. Maybe I emanate an aura of caring. Maybe they see me as trustworthy wall against which to bounce.
But the problem is, I've always hated it when people are hostile towards each other. At some point during my life. after having realized that I couldn't avoid being around such situations, I became predisposed to mediate between friends. But the problem is, in most cases, by the time you realize mediation is necessary, it's already gotten too emotional - in which case people just want to be mad at each other. I've found that the correct application of humour can sometimes dissolve a confrontation. That or turn the acrimony of both parties upon yourself. Sometimes I think that's still a better alternative than listening to people nattering at each other...
Would it be alright if I moved to Alaska?
Retreat
I spent a day with my sister's brood this weekend. It's always a great idea when life starts to get a little too quiet; it gives you a new appreciation for a moment's peace. However, in this case, I needed to go to deflate.
People say that raising children is one of the most challenging and rewarding things you can do. And if as someone said, it's two to three times harder than you think it will be, I'm afraid. But since raising children is not on the menu for me at this point, I can only speak to the next best thing. The next most challenging and rewarding thing is a close relationship with friends and family.
I became reacquainted with the piano after about three years, and sat around it with my sister singing show tunes and old camp worship songs with her. It's funny; she's my sister (and an accomplished alto before she was a mother) and I don't recall ever before really singing together just the two of us. It was so great not worrying about what the other person thought about how you sang or how you played. I hadn't played the piano in three years as I said, yet I managed to play a few songs in front of her. Three years ago, I couldn't play the simplest thing in front of anyone. Now I understand a bit better why some of the best music groups are families.
With her stress from raising her brood, and my exhausting existence, I think it hit the spot for both of us. Perhaps later I will document some of the reasons for my need of a retreat from my life.
People say that raising children is one of the most challenging and rewarding things you can do. And if as someone said, it's two to three times harder than you think it will be, I'm afraid. But since raising children is not on the menu for me at this point, I can only speak to the next best thing. The next most challenging and rewarding thing is a close relationship with friends and family.
I became reacquainted with the piano after about three years, and sat around it with my sister singing show tunes and old camp worship songs with her. It's funny; she's my sister (and an accomplished alto before she was a mother) and I don't recall ever before really singing together just the two of us. It was so great not worrying about what the other person thought about how you sang or how you played. I hadn't played the piano in three years as I said, yet I managed to play a few songs in front of her. Three years ago, I couldn't play the simplest thing in front of anyone. Now I understand a bit better why some of the best music groups are families.
With her stress from raising her brood, and my exhausting existence, I think it hit the spot for both of us. Perhaps later I will document some of the reasons for my need of a retreat from my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)