Dali cuje te sve djecje molitve?

Can you hear the prayer of the children on bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room?
-Kurt Bestor

Sometimes all this world has to offer is too much, and yet never enough. Everything we want under the sun is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. And in the race, life draws out and time threshes you out under its inexorable gears and wheels.

Sometimes all the tears in the world are not enough, and one is more than you can find. Cold, you want to drive your car into a wall just so that you can feel something.

Sometimes you have to wrestle with God before you can find some reality in life.

Where is Your justice? When will You grant comfort to those who mourn?
The arrogant gain all the acclaim while they crush the most beautiful.
Under the weight of words and neglect, they are choked,
Slowly, relentlessly, even obliviously, without concern.
They isolate the lonely and accuse the righteous,
Who find only rejection and contempt.
But I can see
The fingerprints of God.

A bruised reed he will not break and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. But how long will You leave the reed bruised? Does it not wish instead that You would just break it and end the suffering - with nothing to hold but a hope for a time when it can again stand upright?

* * *

How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

When the music's done, it's time to go home

The director of the chorale I just joined approached me after the concert and wanted to tell me that my voice makes such a difference to the section. I wanted to know whether that difference was for the better or the worse and he told me he'd leave it to my imagination. And then the cheeky blighter told the general surroundings, "I reckon this guy is a bit of a wag." Well, I guess I should be pleased that I have been able to convey to him what I'm all about in such a short period of time.
But they've invited me to stay on for another round in the spring anyway. But before that, we have three more concerts to go. I was pleased to find that today's went off pretty well. I had been worried after the less-than-stellar showing last weekend, and the tickets for today's were pretty expensive.

Let's talk about random

People keep accusing me of being methodical, whether it be in my actions or the things that I write. They think that everything is coming from something or has some specific purpose. I guess I just have that kind of face. Alright, it may be the case a great deal of the time. But sometimes a thought may occur to me and I'll just say it. Honestly, it has nothing to do with anything that had just been said, so stop trying to make a correlation!
h
Now I know there's someone out there who thinks that I'm driving at some deeper meaning right now but if that deeper meaning exists, sometimes not even I am aware of it.
Example.

My brother and I realized at some point that we had the same last name. Only it wasn't the name with which we were born. The thing about working in certain industries is that you'll see a lot of Europeans. This is the case with the company at which I work. One day, we were discussing the different pronunciations of different European languages when it took a practical turn to my last name. The 'W' turned to a 'V' and the 'CE' took on a 'CHAY' sound. Within months, people would only refer to me as Veh-lah-chay.
Turns out, my brother had the exact same nickname years ago. We were both pretty surprised to find we had independently developed the same nickname.
Recently, this Italian guy came up to me and confused me by calling me Versace. I wonder if that will stick...

Today I went a an Oriental buffet. For those who don't like the term and think it's racist, don't get into a huff - it's the actual name of the place. Anyway, my boss and I have decided that we kindof like the place. Good food, good atmosphere. And last month when we went, they charged us for one adult and one child. This of course opened the debate of who was the child. Today, all disputes were settled as to who was the young one. They charged us for two seniors.

While we were at the 'Oriental' buffet today, the Italian guy decided to introduce me to someone I'd met before.
Turns out, I went on an organized tour in Italy with this girl a year and a half ago and we never realized at the time that we worked in the same company. Of course, I had been located in a different city at the time. But still, still it sounds a bit odd. "You went to Italy with her and you didn't know she was your coworker???" She was pretty surprised to hear this news. Yeah that's right. Someone went on the trip of a lifetime with me and didn't even recognize me... Yeah I know, I'm that memorable. Hopefully she will no longer look at me askance for looking at her curiously. I had been sure she was the same person, but her gaze had previously given me no recognition. She probably thought I was a creep for staring.

Finally. It's 3am and I'm just about finished explaining to my PhD in electronics and science house mate the physics of music. And I'm only an undergrad. You may not believe it, but there isn't that much difference between music and physics and Newton. Ask me sometime why a perfect forth or perfect fifth is perfect if you want to hear someone rhapsodize over it. He gobbled it up; to anyone else... it's not pretty.
:P


Goodnight and goodnight.

Wine and Cheese

Here's a blast from the past for anyone out there who lived with me in University.

I came upon an old scrap of paper back from university today. I probably kept it with the foresight that it would one day make me chuckle. It did.
Every year in the fall, one of the guys floors in the college in which I was living would host a wine and cheese party. Tradition dictated that not only would all the ladies in the college have free admission, but they would also all receive personal invitations from one of the guys of the hosting floor. So every year, the names would be split up and every guy on the floor would be responsible for 3-5 invitations - in theory. In theory because not everyone felt comfortable doing it or cared enough to bother. With good cause. Let me illustrate:
In my frosh year, I was assigned two roommates to invite. Time ticked and I didn't come up with any inspiration or courage. Time constraints forced me to go ahead with neither. As I ended up putting together some amusing story that had a moral of "go to the wine and cheese or your ears will fall off," got together some props, dressed up all formal and marched out to do some invites.
My first ever invite was a complete Ktastrophe with a CAPital KAY. The door was closed. I could hear voices. Perfect, they were both there so I could get them both in one shot. I got psyched; I knocked. A girl opened the door. She was on the phone. The roommate wasn't there. I didn't know which one she was.
"Uhhh... hi..."
She looked me up and down. You know the look. I was standing there, a stark stranger dressed pretty formal. At her door. Being a frosh as well, she had no idea what was going on and assumed the worst.
"Can you come back later?"
"Uhhh..."
"Like ten? OK."
Slam.
A half hour later, I was telling someone what happened feeling a bit dumb. He gave me that sympathetic pained expression. "OOOOoh, rejected..."
Ten came and - I can't imagine how but - I found the courage to go back. She wasn't there. But her roommate was. Yeah, I know. So I did my spiel; she laughed at the silly story and said she would go and thanked me for coming out.
"Uhhh... maybe you should just let your roommate know she's invited as well...." Because there was no WAY I was showing my face there again!

A few years later, I found myself living on the same floor at the same time of the year. The assignments came in, but this time I was more ambitious. A few friends and I decided to band together and make up some singing invites. We wrote up some new lyrics to songs like, 'Breakfast at Tiffany's,' 'For the Longest Time,' 'In the Jungle.' All with vocalized instrumentation and harmony. I think we had about a dozen different songs by the end because people started following us around and we didn't want to repeat stuff in front of them. Incidentally, word came back to me around that time that one of the frosh had been pretty creeped out by my invite until she realized that I wasn't actually asking her out. SIGH. It seems like at that point, I made a habit of making girls uneasy with my presence which would be repeated several more times over the years. But I persevered. I think I ended up being involved in some capacity for at least thirty invites. Not to mention the biggest one.
In the middle of a community dinner, I got up and invited one of the girls up to make a little announcement. I sat her down in a chair and sang her an invite on my own in front of about a hundred and fifty people. She still goes on about it four years later. Apparently the cafeteria lady was pretty impressed too. "Hey honey, you made me cry - here have some extra greasy potatoes."

As I recall, the floor went the extra mile and got some tokens to give to the ladies the afternoon of the party. At this point, after having wasted my time doing all of the above, I should have been studying. Instead, I wrote a bunch of stupid poems to offer with the flowers I was to hand out. I remember thinking, boy these pretty much write themselves. But I got a following nevertheless. Though it was probably to watch me make an idiot of myself more than anything. Here are some examples of the awe-inspiring garbage I can propagate:

* * *

As April showers fall softly down
To feed thirsty soil at sunrise
Softly, tenderly, now I drown
In the radiance of your eyes.

* * *

The dark clouds do thunder
The raging oceans swell
The prophets make me wonder
At disasters they foretell
But I won't ever quiver
No I won't even fret
If one smile you would deliver
These things I'd not regret

* * *

I have seen the mighty mountains
The winds on the grassy fields play
I have beheld the vast ocean
Sparkle gold in the sun's ray
I have smelled the blooming flowers
In the rainy month of May
But never did I falter
Till you took my breath away

Les betises de ma vie

In accordance with the general insanities of the season of fall, this weekend shall be no exception.
I must not have been busy enough because in October, I joined another chorale - a longstanding triple-quartet. I have been to only two rehearsals out of five or more spent on this music, and on Saturday, we have our first performance at Peoples. The wife of the director left me a long voice message yesterday kindly asking me to remember to show up. At some point, she turned the corner of reason and started going on about how her husband was telling her what a great addition I've made and what a nice voice I have. I knew then that she had confused me with some other guy. Add to that the fact that Tom keeps saying that without me to lean on, they'd be sunk - when I'm listening to everyone else for the right notes. Sometimes this type of talk worries me. It worries me that they're not just trying to be nice, and everyone actually believes the rubbish they're saying about me and that sooner or later, they'll all realize that I'm actually not that great at all. Meanwhile I struggle to live up to this talent - which doesn't exist at all. Honestly, if people wanted to rave about my talent, they should talk about my talent for causing confusion. And pranks.
Anyway, after that concert, it will be straight out of town for me for a great huzzah with my sister who has just finished chemo and radiation (for the last time we pray). Maybe rough-house with the nephews and niece, to make sure I can still take them all on four on one and to make sure they're good and tired at night. Sunday, I'll provide the entertainment just by going to church out there with my sister and her family. They were all in a flap last time I went there because a pretty pair of eyes was actually paying attention to me. Sometimes, people read too much into nothing - but if living vicariously through my life grants them a little pleasure, then that's alright. They've had a hard enough time that it's nice to give them something about which to smile.

Time for a vacation?

I just unpacked my ski boots tonight and they are sitting here on the living room floor just begging for someone (me) to put them on. Would it be alright if I wore them to work tomorrow?
Tonight, I started firming up plans to go for a ski trip in BC this winter. Have I mentioned that I love winter?

No fear

Remember that slogan which laughed at death and spat in the eye of the devil? I'm strong; I'm invincible. I have no fear. I was interested to see that the definition of courage was to face many different difficulties without fear, or at least without showing it.
But which is more impressive:
To fearlessly perform great acts in the face of opposition, danger or humiliation without a second thought.
Or,
To go forth with great fear and trembling, struggle, fail, despair, dwell on it, turn and confront cowardice, be cognizant of the consequences, persist, conquer - regardless of success or lack thereof?

I guess summer is over...

There's something magical about watching the snow falling among the streetlights at night. Like millions of fireflies bringing beauty and anticipation of changes to come.
I love winter.

That's it...

Alright, I'm going to march right up to Jenny and tell her I'm quitting the show.
How am I supposed to be the IT guy when I can't even get my home network working? But I've just successfully finished building my new computer from the ground up, so maybe there's hope for brighter days in the world of wireless Internet here.
So as an inaugural post on the new computer, I have written a post about nothing.
Good night and best wishes, all you daylight savers. Sleep an extra hour for me while I practice an exercise of futility configuring routers.