Christmas impressions

I slept in past noon again today. Surely this is a great victory - except for next week when I have to go back to work. Just one of the ways I've been enjoying my time off. Maybe it's because I haven't had a coffee since Tuesday.
The rest of my vacation won't be quite so restful I'm afraid. Tomorrow, Tom and Brenda are coming for dinner and skating, Saturday looks like skiing at Horseshoe resort, Sunday is New Years Eve of frivolities out of town, and Monday an old friend is visiting before catching a flight to Newfoundland. By Tuesday, I'll need to go to work to catch a rest.

Christmas was a whirlwind. I visited my sister and her rascally brood (and yes, my brother in law is included in the rascally label). It had only been a couple of months, yet when my nephews saw me they had no idea who I was.
"Excuse me... excuse me?"
"Yes?"
"Who are you?"
"Am I uncle Ken?"
"No..."
"Am I uncle Jason?"
"No."
"Am I uncle Christopher?"
"No!"
"Am I uncle Rue?"
"Noooo..."
"Yes I am!"
"OoooOOOoohhh.... Mommy... Mooommy?"
"Yes?"
"Who is that?"
"That's uncle Rue!"
In a very audible whisper, ".... why does he have hair on his face?"
"That's a beard, kind of like daddy's"
"Oh... Can I have one?"
"Yes, when you get old enough to grow one."
"Will you grow one too when you're old enough mommy?"

Christmas Eve service at my parents house was interesting. It's nice to walk into a small church with my parents and have people look at me as if wondering who this guy is. Last year, they were between pastors, and I'd noted that the temp looked like a game show host. I'd been expecting him to burst out in the middle of everything with, "A new CAR!" Or something. This year, they had a new pastor. I was fairly impressed; he is a good speaker and is passionate about what he says. Apparently, he got into some trouble from his old church for being 'too evangelical...' Uh huh. What the block are we all here to accomplish then?? Sometimes you have to weep for some churches.

Les Tempêtes

J'ai aperçu une fille
Vêtue en mystère.
Personne ne savait
Ni d'où elle était venue
Ni où elle allait.
Où est-elle maintenent?

Les fenêtres de son âme
Étaient envloppées par la tempête,
En noirceur de minuit.

J'ai étendu la main,
Mais elle avait entouré
Son coeur de murs:
Hauts,
Épais,
Impénétrables,
Des épines saillantes
Des pierres froides,
Fermant tout à l'extérieur;
Retenant tout à l'intérieur.
Qui l'a vraiment comprise?

La tempête s'est calmée;
Les fenêtres se sont éclaircies,
Mais tout ce qu'on pouvait voir
C'était le vide...

J'ai aperçu une fille
Vêtue en mystère.
Personne ne savait
Ni d'où elle était venue
Ni où elle allait.
Où est-elle maintenent?

Happy holid- I mean Xma- I mean Merry Christmas...

"So have you got all your Christmas shopping done yet?"
"Screw shopping; who cares about that stuff."
"Well I see you're in the Christmas spirit..."
"Actually yes. Not shopping puts me in the spirit for Christmas. Who would want to walk around a mall on a nice day like this, or any day for that matter?"

Who stole Christmas? And could they please give it back? Why does the secular world place so much significance on this time of the year, yet ignore its origins and think of it as an ugly chore?

Honestly, I'd rather have the Christmas spirit without presents than presents without the spirit. That and a real winter for once!

Thought for the day

7:30am and 7:30 pm are mighty fine times to avoid traffic whilst travelling to and from work.
They are also most unfortunately poor hours to be at work.

After months of madness with rehearsals and whatnot, I am finally reacquainting myself with the workplace. Most assiduously. Let us call it fallout from being one of the few not on vacation this week. And all I've worked on this week is other people's stuff.

Yaarg!

The Gut-Ripping Question

Last month, someone was telling me about some setbacks in their faith. On the surface, it would seem that the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament are not one and the same. Why is He so cruel in the Old Testament, yet so kind in the New?
But perhaps a better question would be, why is God so merciful in both the Old and New Testaments? How many times did He turn away from destroying us all? Even from the very beginning, He was merciful. The worst thing that He could have done - the thing we most deserved - was to be left in the mess we made. But He provided a way.
But ignoring particular acts of justice or mercy, the million dollar question came up. Why did God, in His foreknowledge that a large portion of His creatures would choose eternal suffering - why when He knew all this before time began, went ahead anyway with the plan? Is the joy of the few worth the condemnation of the many?

It's interesting that this question should spring from Genesis 3. The above question implies that God is insensitive to humans, or is cruel. Adam and Eve fell because they chose to believe that God didn't have their best interests in mind, which is the rub of this line of questioning.

It all makes me think of Job...
Why is life given to those in misery,
and life to the bitter soul,
to those who long for death that does not come,
who search for it more than for hidden treasure,
who are filled with gladness
and rejoice when they reach the grave?
-Job3:20-22

The Bible may not give an complete explanation of why God went ahead with creation. But He didn't explain Himself to Job either. Rather, He posed Job with a series of pointed questions.

Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. -Job38:2-3
Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? -Job38:36

Do we have the capacity to grasp God's motives for creating us? If we do not understand the motives, how then can we assume they are inadequate or cruel? Can we say that our morality is superior to the Creator's?

Would anyone mind if I wear a turban to work?

So are you keeping the beard or not?

I dunno. Shaving right after the show seemed a little too predictable. It's grown attached to my face. The blades all fell out of my razor. It's my New Year's resolution. Let's see where we are in a month.

I find it a little strange how so many people can sit on the fence over things like their faith, yet when it comes to beards, everyone seems to be passionate about their preference. Some people rave about it, while others...

"Shave it; it makes you look like an old man nobody would want to kiss." Rubbish. Without it, I still look like an old man nobody would want to kiss.

This is the place I call home

Though you are homeless
Though you're alone
I will be your home
Whatever's the matter
Whatever's been done
I will be your home
-Michael Card

While I was still in school, people would invariably ask questions like, "where's home for you?" The answer to that question was trivial until my parents moved. I was moving between school and Toronto every four months for about four years. And none of those moves were to live with my parents. I couldn't very well call my parents new house my home, nor a place where I'd stay four months. So I guess I was homeless.

But now I've lived in the same apartment for two years so I guess I can once more answer the question. In fact, I think I'm starting to grow attached to the arrangement.

But as with all things, this will have to change sooner or later. There has been quite a lot of distracting talk at work lately about shedding contractors soon. Which would be myself and quite a few of my peers. True, it's not as personal as being fired, but there's no severance package waiting for us at the end.

I was never a city boy. In fact, the only reason I moved to the city in the first place was because this was where the work was. Have things changed now? With more experience, will I be able to choose from any number of towns to find work? Would I want to leave Toronto now?

It seems like the list of reasons to leave is just as long as the list of reasons to stay. It's really hard to distinguish, to cut through to the God-centred reasons. Maybe God wants to work in my workplace through me, but that avenue may soon close. And as for church... There are some things that I love and some things about which I'm not so crazy.

But that decision is for another time. Today, I want to talk about some of the reasons I like where I am.

Family. Most of my family has arrayed itself across Southern Ontario, including my four nephews/niece. If I want to be a part of their lives, some regular presence is required. Also my mother has been living with Parkinson's for several years and sooner or later I may be needed close by.

Friends. I made some great friends in University, most of whom unfortunately went and did silly things like move to other provinces or got married or both. Still there are people around here I'd hate to leave. Though I would feel more at home if I had a few more Christian friends within throwing distance.

Girls. Haha, yeah right! They're nothing but trouble; if one ever looks at me twice that may be more of a reason to run for the hills. Unless she's coming from the hills, then I would have to run away from the hills. Seriously though, some of my closest friends are girls; I hate to admit it, but most guys aren't generally interested in talking about anything other than beer, finances, work, cars, and women. Sometimes, sometimes, every now and again... I like talking about other things. I guess I'm just a dreamer deep down.

Choir. What a great experience it's been! Finally I got involved in the church and actually started getting to know some people. For all the work and painful sounds that creep in, this has been one of my most rewarding experiences. Though I have to say, if Tom weren't there with me, it wouldn't be quite so fun anymore.

Living Truth Singers. This is another way I've become involved at the church. Gord is a fine director and he works us hard. As a result, we may have had one or two numbers over the past year that have come together alright! It's also provided an interesting opening to talk about my faith. From time to time, people come up to me and tell me that they saw me on TV while flipping through channels. They seem a lot more interested in what that's all about than they would have been if I'd brought up the topic.

TFG. Super, super! As I've already mentioned, I loved the experience.

Shows. It's so easy to catch the TSO or a Broadway show. Tomorrow night I'm going downtown to catch one with my brother. Funtimes!

My apartment has the best view in the city. OK, maybe not, but it's pretty good.


Not to mention a good vantage point for seeing some of the more interesting things going on around the city, like the day Italy won at the World Cup. Yes, that's a dump truck full of revellers. And an Italian banner spread across the street blocking traffic.

Also, I must mention my favourite sight from my balcony during the winter. I saw people out skating this afternoon and I was so excited that this was the first day of outdoor skating, I dropped everything and ran across the street for a skate. I haven't had so much space to skate since last February when I was just learning and didn't know what to do with all the space. For most of the time there were about four people there. I played some pick-up boot hockey for the first time in my life with the supervisors and realized that my skates couldn't cut butter in August. All in all, I sucked and it was fun. It would be so much better if I'd gone with friends, but most people don't share my enthusiasm.

There are hidden adventures waiting to happen even in the city. This summer, I explored some of the biking and hiking trails hidden right beneath our urban noses. I spent my day off on Thanksgiving walking around and enjoying the colours.

Two From Galilee

This past season, I was blessed with the chance to be involved in the making of an exceptional musical. The performance, seeing it all wrapped up, and seeing the reactions of the people who came to watch were all gratifying. But it was the process of putting it together that I really enjoyed. Without the creative outlet, without spending a significant amount of time getting to know people at rehearsals, I tend to find myself depressed. And it's going to be quite a shock now that I'm coming from a period of three months where I was averaging 4 days per week where I was meeting with an assortment of musical groups. Now, I'm going to zero for the next few weeks. So what am I supposed to do with all my time now!
Anyway, below are a few pictures from this weekend's musical with documented reasons for its success.

Our fearless leaders - OK they were good at faking fearless; after some of our rougher meetings, I knew better!



Young love - Mary and Joseph.


Brilliant costumes and a super fun cast - except for that lamoid with the feather in his hat!


An amazing set - if the set keeps getting bigger, there will soon be no room for the cast onstage!

Not to mention so many other factors like sound, lighting, and the choir who was voluntold into the whole thing. Crew, ushers, parkers, drivers, great audiences... you get the idea.

Let's do it all again next weekend!

What are you waiting for, Joseph!?

Last night I heard the screaming,
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police

Choice words between a couple recently reached my ears again. This really bothers me and it's not really about the disturbance it causes. True, I've never liked the sound of people yelling at one another (and yes, I realize that I've spent the last few weeks doing quite a bit of yelling as a matter of routine - all in good fun). But when it's going on on a regular basis between husband and wife, I feel uncomfortable, useless, irritated.
How can people treat one they love in such a manner? Don't people bother to find out what their partner is really like before getting married? Why do people spend so much time investing in a beautiful home and yet so little working on a relationship with their partner? I think I would be happy enough in a hut with the right person; and I don't think there's a house big enough for myself and a wife who is hostile towards me.
So why are people in such a big rush to get married? I've heard that if you learn anything from marriage, you learn just how selfish you are. And yet it would seem that we all think that love is something that we can just do without effort once we get married.
Marriage-minded? "I'm going to college to find a man." "I want to find a wife by the time I turn 28. And two children by 34." I'm sorry but that kind of rubbish isn't for me. I think that if I make finding a wife a goal, I'll be setting myself up for failure and disappointment before I even began.
Lately, people have been giving me a lot of grief over my status. Partly because my role in this past weekend's play was to be the random guy who didn't get the woman. But mostly it's because people seem to think the whole idea is something they have to sell to single people who are 'passing the prime of their lives.'
I was recently talking to someone when this lady came up and grabbed us both in either arm and exclaimed, "now why don't you two get together?" Why should anyone be expected to give an answer to that question without first having one reason in favour of the idea?
I've thought up a few poor rationalizations for marriage...

1. I wasn't doing anything else at the time, so why not?
2. My mother told me to.
3. She's female and my age.
4. I wanted children.
5. I wanted sex :o
6. I wanted love.
7. She seemed to like me.
8. She's as pretty as I can do.
9. A mystical mist fell between us when our eyes first met and I knew we had to get married.
10. Her appearance, personality, interests mostly matched a mental list I had for a perfect match.
11. She was the only Christian girl God placed in my life at the time so it must have been His will.

But wait, aren't some of those things good? Sure they are. But they are things that may come out of a good match, not things that direct you to one. People are invariably asking me what I'm looking for. What hair colour? How tall? How old? What would she do for a living? For fun? Come on, are you serious? How am I supposed to know these sorts of details before I've met her. I'll love her and it will follow that she'll be beautiful in my eyes. But for the record, I've compiled an extensive list of good rationalizations for selecting a partner...

1. It is the culmination of two God-centred lives and God's will.

Knowing God's will isn't something on which I'm going to claim to be an expert. But one thing I do know: You have to be paying attention to Him.
And by the way, marriage isn't a right; it's a privilege. And so is remaining single.

Be as you are to the glory of God. Otherwise you'll be left with a mouthful of dust and a broken heart.

/end disjointed_rant

It's Showtime!

Today is the last day of Two from Galilee. It's unbelievable how many people have come to see this show so far. The place has been packed for the first three shows, and promises the same for the last two.
Five shows, four costume changes and loads of people coming from in town and out of town to see me. It's been a tornado of a weekend.
So far there have been many small flubs, mostly on my part, but nothing fatal. A few quick costume changes and dashing onstage at the last possible moment can be a bit distracting.
Anyway, it's been a great experience and I'm really honoured to be on the same stage as all these talented people.
Showtime!

I would like to dedicate this show to my good friend Coffee.

Still

This fall, I went through a study called Experiencing God which proved to be infinitely more challenging and thought-provoking than I'd expected. You come to know God by experiencing Him.
Our experiences play a huge role in shaping our attitudes don't they? Some experiences you may miss because you weren't paying attention; others you can't possibly ignore. Some experiences you would consider fortunate to see just once in your life; others you would never seek out given the choice. But all situations good or bad, subtle or obvious can help us grow.
I am certain that God was using a negative situation in my life to teach me something. Ten years ago next week I spent an evening in prison for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. No, that's not entirely true. I think it was because I was on my way to Tarshish instead of Nineveh.
They had a witness ready to swear it had been me. And I could think of no way to prove my innocence. My life seemed out of control and out of my hands. Sometimes the worst thing in the world is to be left alone with your thoughts, your imagination. How would this impact my future?
I had been preparing to choose a path towards a university, a profession. Would I be able to do any of that anymore? And then You were there asking if I remembered You.
Do you trust Me?
"Yes Lord."
Be still and know I am God.
But my father would surely have to resign over this. And I would be the cause of it. Would my family even ever believe me?
Do you trust Me?
"Yes Lord."
Be still and know I am God.
Would I have to change schools, or move? Leave everything I knew behind?
Do you trust Me?
"Yes Lord."
Be still and know I am God.
And I was. And He delivered me. I thought of the whole ordeal as a wake up call.
I hadn't thought of this for years until last month. It kept coming back to me through different means. Something I'd read, something someone would say, that date being mentioned. For the first time in ten years, I'd felt compelled to share the story with other people. It had never been the kind of story that I wanted people knowing about. The memory was too haunting; it hurt too much. But I felt that God was leading me to share it and I didn't know why. I needed a little more convincing. That week, there was a group discussion about the ways God speaks to us. The leader asked if anyone had some personal experiences to share. A moment of silence passed, and everyone started looking at me. Well I guess that settles that!
In a conversation afterwards, an important thing was articulated in my mind: why do you suppose God would impress this upon your heart now after so long? Was it something that someone there really needed to hear? Sometimes you never find out.
But that Sunday I had my answer. In the morning, we sang an exceptional song,
When the oceans rise
And thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.
That evening we looked at the story where Jesus calmed the storm.
"Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
"Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith."
In that moment, I realized why He wanted me to share that story. It wasn't so that someone could take something away from it, it was so that I would pay attention to something He wanted to tell me. Why are you so afraid? I hadn't realized it, but I was afraid. I'd thought I was disaffected and depressed, but I was afraid of the unknown.
It all came together. He was telling me the same thing He'd said ten years earlier.
Do you trust Me?
Be still and know I am God.

Winter is coming!

It's snowing and they've started making ice in the outdoor rink across the street. Is there anything better than today?
Tonight is the first performance of the Christmas show in which I'm involved. That might serve to dampen my spirits, depending....

Words

You know, when you think about it, you're really lucky to know me.
That is what a friend of mine told me years ago. Sounds pretty arrogant, doesn't it? I thought so and said as much. But as with most things he says, there was more to it than the most obvious meaning.
Think of all the people in the world who will never meet you. And think of all the people you see regularly, even talk to every day who don't truly know you. It would seem that the odds are stacked against getting to know a person. Add to that the fact that he is the most mysterious and subtle person that I know and I marvel at how I know a single thing about him.
You're lucky to know me. And I am. And he's just as lucky to be known by me. I think it's a common misconception that introverts don't need friends. After all, isn't our greatest need after God, to love and be loved by people? To be known and accepted as you are?
I've been reminded of how unbearable it is to be seen by people for what you are; to be known only as a position. It's occurred to me recently that to be seen as a position (humble or even great) is not so different from walking around with a stigma.
I've been thinking lately about the insidious nature of the things people say about each other. First impressions are hard to erase, even though those impressions can precede actually meeting a person. That's why it's so difficult to make things right again after you've spread gossip. Once words have left your lips they are gone like smoke on the wind. They are everywhere and nowhere; you can't collect them again.
I'm struck with the potential far-reaching impact of all the things I've ever said. And I'm challenged. For I've realized just how grave can be the harm of words. Opinions, gossip, fair or otherwise can actually interfere with a person's ability to be known. No understanding, no true acceptance. No acceptance, no love. And by the way, we always think judgements are fair when we are the ones making the conclusions.
I think of Jesus. He was the most misunderstood person of whom I can think. And he is even still. How did he respond to it? Why didn't you respond to lies against you? Why didn't you defend yourself? If one who was perfect did not lash out or defend his position, how then can I, guilty of many things? But what to do? Ignore it? Walk around with a big dumb smile on my face? How lonely it must have been to be the Suffering Servant.

Looking Back on 2006

This may be a little early, but since I just started posting I thought it would be a good time to see where I've been over the past year.

Being out of school with its cycles and associated relocation, I now find it more difficult to keep track of time and events. Before, it was last term, or back in second year. Now I use phrases like the other day, a while ago, or more commonly I don't recall that.

This year marks the second that I've worked for the entire year which consequently makes me a pretty good friend in the sight of the government. During the first year of labour, I learned some pretty important lessons. Some of them even had something to do with electrical design. But one of the things that I learned late in 2005 was about the importance of physical mental health days. I took one half day off during that entire year due to illness and it turned out to be the best idea since Archimedes said, I'm tired of kicking around the lab. I think I'll go take a bath. No more than two hours passed after my arrival at home before the rain started falling in Biblical proportions. The city was completely flooded and I think every sewer in the municipality backed up into the parking lot at my work. Dozens of coworkers' cars were completely written off. But on the flip side, it provided some pretty good photo ops. Anyone for a band-new (slightly soggy) Mercedes?













I thought the canoe on top of the car was a nice touch.

Anyway, given the great fortune I had from missing just one half day of work in 2005 clearly indicated that many more days off in 2006 would be an even better idea. And it certainly was.

This past June/July, I took three weeks off to enjoy a bit of sun and loads of tomfoolery in Europe. In particular, Italy and Great Britain.

Venice was beautiful if a bit polluted. It was also the home of the most expensive water closets of which I've ever heard.

There was so much in Florence and Rome that a single day couldn't even scrape the surface.

If Italian Espressos were not my speed, the English had copious amounts of coffee to offer, with Starbucks on just about every street corner. English destinations included London, Oxford, Windsor, and York. Windsor castle was so opulent, but after having seen the Vatican the week before, I found it to be... ostentatious. While the Vatican is immensely richer than the queen, their wealth is displayed more in art and history. Windsor was more gold and finery. Nice even still.

To me, the north was the most worthwhile place I visited in my whole three weeks. I would certainly return to Scotland, given half a chance. Ah, the Royal City. Oh, the Highlands.

Mmm, the haggis??

The beginning of Winter now welcomes for me the opportunity to take up skating on a regular basis again. In January, a friend decided that I needed to get some skates and learn to use them. And I took to it a little more enthusiastically than expected. In fact, she now claims that I'm too good! In any case, summer has its perks, but there's nothing like skating on the Rideau in February... I really hope weather will permit it this year!

Probably the most important thing that's been going on this year has come in the way of a musical feast. I was involved in the choir at church, joined a new chamber group, worked on several TV audio recordings, and joined the cast for this year's Christmas musical. My first time in the cast, and unless I learn how to act, probably my last. The show is running this weekend, so by January 1, I should have it all down.

Two confessions

I have two confessions to make today.

1. I am becoming addicted to evil coffee
2. I am starting to enjoy the taste of vile beer

All I need now is a touch of autism, and I'll be a true Engineer.

Battles and warfare

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon his shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers.

Surely not I, Lord.
Yes you.
I have heard it said that there are many more ways to block God's work than there are to enable it. If this is true, then it would seem we are destined for failure. For the serpent's weapons are manifold; without defence, he will win every time.

I have been under siege lately and today I found myself wondering why. I'm not important; if I were not here, wouldn't things carry on just fine? So why then would he attack me?

But now I realize it's true. Things would carry on just fine without me. But my presence can cause immense distraction from His work. And to my shame, yesterday I was ready to do so.

But I didn't. Does that mean I've won? Nope. It means I'll face the same choice again tomorrow. And the day after. A choice in every situation, to allow any number of things to rule me: futility, pride, indifference... anger. Or else,

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

I would rather...

Would you rather
Be mysterious
And alone
Or misunderstood
And isolated