"Rue, why are you being so standoffish?"
"What are you talking about - I just got here!"
"Well sit over there with everyone else then."
I'm not aloof! ...But if it were just one person to bring it up, one might dismiss it. When different people say something along the same lines on different days, maybe it's time to take them seriously. So maybe I am a bit. Or a lot.
But it's not my fault - I have a good reason! That's the kind of person I am. If I am to be true to myself, I shouldn't try to be anything else...
No, that's a lie - I know. If I am to be true to myself, I should understand who I am and deal with it accordingly. I could say I withdraw because I'm so frazzled dealing with the reality of moving everything I own within a week on top of adjusting to a new department at work on the backdrop of a thousand other things.
But that's all landscape. It doesn't dictate who you are. The rain falls on us all but we don't all deal with it in the same manner. Some open an umbrella, others run for cover. Some ignore it and keep walking on, others walk faster. Some curse the skies, others dance.
Ok, I may enjoy the occasional walk in the rain, but in the proverbial storm, I'm probably the one who takes cover. I've had the misfortune of being labeled as an idealist - an INFP by Keirsey personality indicator. The article explained to me better than I understood myself how one person who talks to me alone can call me chatty while others who see me in a crowd would say I'm quiet; how I can be bold with a pen yet reticent in person; how rational thought takes a back seat to intuition or how I feel about any given situation. Though I do maintain that listening to the advice of rationals over my own predispositions has typically led to some of the biggest fiasco's of my life.
But one thing to which the article speaks is how people see in an idealist someone who can understand things from their angle and will therefore gravitate towards that one for mediation. People notice someone who seems to care yet doesn't go blabbing everything left and right and they see a confidant. What they don't see is someone who cares too much. At some point, after hearing one too many terrible stories something died inside of me. Withdraw to a safe place and shut off. Or go mad.
So I suppose the first real reason for acting cold is out of an aversion for conflict.
The other reason you might call confidence. Or rather the lack thereof. I certainly have some pretty compelling reasons to feel worthless. But aside from those, nothing will bring you face to face with any lack of confidence as standing on a stage looking like an idiot - incidentally something I've been in the habit of doing lately.
I've discovered a super power you see. I have the ability to become invisible at will... Only it's not through my will that it is manifested, rather it is triggered by the will of anyone else who happens to be around (usually overly-aggressive drivers, but that's a different story). Now some might say that if you have no control over your super power, maybe it's not really so super. That may be true but I've got it all figured out. If you make it look as though you want to disappear when you're about to vanish, everyone will think you're in complete control of that power. Fortunately, I do have full control over the deactivation of the skill. All anyone has to do is make a fool of themselves and they'll immediately have everyone's attention.
One of the reasons I feel that the process of putting together a stage show is the best part of the whole production is that it is a conduit for learning to step out of your normal mode of reaction. For instance, one worried about what others think begins to care a little less. By showtime, it's almost as though you've become a new person - until it's over and you go back to normal. In my case of course, whether I care what people think or not, I still look like a lamoid on stage. But at least I can be certain of one thing for that brief moment - for one glorious instant, I know that I'm not invisible.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Europe - Geneva and Interlaken
Journal of Vacation in Europe - from July 22, 2007
Today saw a quick jaunt through Geneva. Nice little town, though maybe a little too moderate in its endeavour to be politically neutral in every way possible. I'd have liked to have seen more but since we were coming from Lyon (due to yesterday's bomb incident) we didn't have a great deal of time. But it was a nice to walk around a bit and take in a few of the sights. Not only is Geneva the home of the Red Cross (and Red Crescent), We got to see the UN's European headquarters. They had some sprawling fountains in front and about a dozen kids were having fun running through them. At the back there was an odd-looking monument - a huge wooden chair, probably 15 metres tall. I thought it strange that a chair should be in front of the UN - which represented judgement to me. Then I realized that one of the legs had been splintered and broken halfway up. Sit upon a chair with a broken leg and it will topple.
From July 24, 2007
Interlaken offered all the sights for which I'd hoped. We arrived at night and didn't realize until morning just how great was the location of our hostel. The deck overlooked a peaceful river on a mountain backdrop. From time to time, a para glider could be seen sailing lazily across the sky.
Yesterday we took a trip up to 3000 metres and the weather miraculously held out long enough to give a great view of the glacier and 'the top of Europe,' as well as the mountain ranges, rivers, lakes, and mountain villages all around. It was great to feel the 5 degree air after being in Spain and France with their scorching sun. 
The waterfalls down the mountain cliffs were mesmerizing. They fell in such a thin curtain that it looked like a silver mist, almost corporal shapes in the water could be made out sliding down in free-fall hundreds of feet until crashing - silently and seemingly gently - upon the rocks below. The runoff from the snow caps formed rushing pure white rivers that later on downstream would settle in a pure bright aqua green.
Walking around the little mountain towns, one can't help but wonder at how these people can live year-round carving a living out of the face of the mountains. About one thing I was pretty certain: no tractors are used to clear their precipitous fields.
Today, taking the train among the mountains, I am struck by how much it reminds me of Scotland. The clouds have returned, partially obscuring many of the mountains sometimes with thin puffs. Somehow it grants them even more majesty and wonder than they had already possessed on their own. Somehow more definition and mystery all at once. Is there anywhere on earth anyone would rather be?
There's one lesson we learned the hard way however: As tempting as it may be when you're going up 3000 metres to aspire to reach 3000.06 metres... if you ever plan on climbing a mountain, you'd probably be better served leaving your stilettos at home!
Today saw a quick jaunt through Geneva. Nice little town, though maybe a little too moderate in its endeavour to be politically neutral in every way possible. I'd have liked to have seen more but since we were coming from Lyon (due to yesterday's bomb incident) we didn't have a great deal of time. But it was a nice to walk around a bit and take in a few of the sights. Not only is Geneva the home of the Red Cross (and Red Crescent), We got to see the UN's European headquarters. They had some sprawling fountains in front and about a dozen kids were having fun running through them. At the back there was an odd-looking monument - a huge wooden chair, probably 15 metres tall. I thought it strange that a chair should be in front of the UN - which represented judgement to me. Then I realized that one of the legs had been splintered and broken halfway up. Sit upon a chair with a broken leg and it will topple.
From July 24, 2007Interlaken offered all the sights for which I'd hoped. We arrived at night and didn't realize until morning just how great was the location of our hostel. The deck overlooked a peaceful river on a mountain backdrop. From time to time, a para glider could be seen sailing lazily across the sky.
Yesterday we took a trip up to 3000 metres and the weather miraculously held out long enough to give a great view of the glacier and 'the top of Europe,' as well as the mountain ranges, rivers, lakes, and mountain villages all around. It was great to feel the 5 degree air after being in Spain and France with their scorching sun. 
The waterfalls down the mountain cliffs were mesmerizing. They fell in such a thin curtain that it looked like a silver mist, almost corporal shapes in the water could be made out sliding down in free-fall hundreds of feet until crashing - silently and seemingly gently - upon the rocks below. The runoff from the snow caps formed rushing pure white rivers that later on downstream would settle in a pure bright aqua green.
Walking around the little mountain towns, one can't help but wonder at how these people can live year-round carving a living out of the face of the mountains. About one thing I was pretty certain: no tractors are used to clear their precipitous fields.
Today, taking the train among the mountains, I am struck by how much it reminds me of Scotland. The clouds have returned, partially obscuring many of the mountains sometimes with thin puffs. Somehow it grants them even more majesty and wonder than they had already possessed on their own. Somehow more definition and mystery all at once. Is there anywhere on earth anyone would rather be?There's one lesson we learned the hard way however: As tempting as it may be when you're going up 3000 metres to aspire to reach 3000.06 metres... if you ever plan on climbing a mountain, you'd probably be better served leaving your stilettos at home!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Love is Different
Disaffected. No, it goes beyond that.
There was a time when I held out hope that I might find one person somewhere who would be a great match; who would despite all my many faults, past, present and future, accept me for who I am, understand me, even love me. I don't remember when it was that I shelved the hope that such a person existed for me. But I now find myself questioning whether such a person exists even for anyone.
No matter where I go, broken and hurting marriages fill my landscape. One here who cheats and doesn't know why; one there who sees it crumbling and doesn't care; or one lining up for second helpings before the first is even finished. It makes me furious and sorrowful that Satan can take something so pure and good and twist it into something terrible. Close my eyes, and they're all still there on the back of my eyelids and within my broken heart. They speak a silent yet resounding answer to the age-old question; yes it is better to never have loved at all.
After all, who would knowingly choose the path of Hosea?
But what do I know of love? All I know is that it's different than you'd think.
Then when I think of the one who doesn't exist, the one true companion, I realize that it's Someone who does exists and I've already met. And I didn't have to fight to win the love that I've never deserved. A love more rewarding than any that could come from another selfish person such as myself.
There was a time when I held out hope that I might find one person somewhere who would be a great match; who would despite all my many faults, past, present and future, accept me for who I am, understand me, even love me. I don't remember when it was that I shelved the hope that such a person existed for me. But I now find myself questioning whether such a person exists even for anyone.
No matter where I go, broken and hurting marriages fill my landscape. One here who cheats and doesn't know why; one there who sees it crumbling and doesn't care; or one lining up for second helpings before the first is even finished. It makes me furious and sorrowful that Satan can take something so pure and good and twist it into something terrible. Close my eyes, and they're all still there on the back of my eyelids and within my broken heart. They speak a silent yet resounding answer to the age-old question; yes it is better to never have loved at all.
After all, who would knowingly choose the path of Hosea?
But what do I know of love? All I know is that it's different than you'd think.
Then when I think of the one who doesn't exist, the one true companion, I realize that it's Someone who does exists and I've already met. And I didn't have to fight to win the love that I've never deserved. A love more rewarding than any that could come from another selfish person such as myself.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Do the Java Jive
Today after three and a half months, my self-imposed coffee ban finally has been lifted. And I celebrated by - you guessed it - drinking a coffee. Lately, I'd been having coffee headaches just from thinking about the end of the diet. After weeks of trouble, people getting fired at work, changing departments, out of town friends visiting, packing and getting ready to move, it felt so relaxing just to go for a walk on such a nice day with my old friend coffee.
To take a deep breath anticipating the plunge into what will probably be a very busy and hopefully fulfilling season.
To take a deep breath anticipating the plunge into what will probably be a very busy and hopefully fulfilling season.
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